Joke of the day

Thank you RICK FORD for the great laughs

I just wanted to say a big thank you to Rick Ford for 90 percent of the jokes you are reading here on my blog. If any of you have ever spent time with Rick you would know he is one of the funnies people around. I love to listen to his stories, he has an art in the way he talks about his life experiences. I always seem to spend most of my time laughing with him when we get together. So it truly fits that he would have great jokes to share. So thank you Rick.
If you would like to share any of your jokes to spread laughter to those who read my blog, please feel free to e-mail them to bm575@aol.com.
Here to making us all laugh.

A cowboy from South Dakota appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.
“Well, I can think of one thing,” the cowboy offered.
“Once, while traveling through the Black Hills of South Dakota, I came upon a gang
of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to
leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen.
So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and
smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose
ring, and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, “Now, back off!! Or I’ll kick the #$%$)@ out of all of you!”
St. Peter was impressed, “When did this happen?”
“Just a couple minutes ago…”

Skinny Dipping…

An elderly man had owned a large farm for several years with a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple & peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over as he hadn’t been there for a while. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women Skinny-dipping in the pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, ‘we’re not coming out until you leave!’
The old man frowned, ‘I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.’
Holding the bucket up he said, “I’m here to feed the alligator.”
Some old men can still think fast.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know me?’ She responded, ‘Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brain s to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.’
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?’
She again replied, ‘Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.’
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
‘If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.’

A Touching Home Depot Story

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so

he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot. At Home Depot, Mary saw a

beautiful bathroom faucet while she was waiting for Walt, (the

manager) to finish waiting on a customer.

When Walt was finished, Mary asked.. ‘How much for that faucet?’

Walt replied, ‘That’s pewter and it costs $300.’ My goodness that

sure is a lot Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the

hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back

room to find it.

From the back room Walt yelled, ‘Mary, you wanna screw for that

hinge?’

Mary replied, ‘No, but I will for the faucet.’

We Had Gay Burglars Break In

“We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.” -Robin Williams

Subject: why I fired my secretary

Why I fired my Secretary.

Last week was my birthday
and I didn’t feel very well
waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
‘Happy Birthday!’,
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
‘ Happy Birthday.’

I thought…

Well, that’s marriage for you,
but the kids…
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn’t say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
‘Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday! ‘
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o’clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, ‘You know,
It’s such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me.’
I said, ‘Thanks, Jane,
that’s the greatest thing
I’ve heard all day.
Let’s go !’

We went to lunch.
But we didn’t go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Jane said, ‘You know,
It’s such a beautiful day…
We don’t need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?’

I responded,
‘I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?’
She said,
‘Let’s drop by my apartment,
it’s just around the corner.’

After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
‘ Boss, if you don’t mind,
I’m going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I’ll be right back.’
‘Ok..’ I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ..
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing ‘Happy Birthday’.

And I just sat there…

On the couch…

Naked.

A lady walks into Tiffany’s…

She browses around, spots a beautiful
diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends over to look more closely she accidentally farts. Very
embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her
little accident and prays that a salesperson doesn’t pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a
salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying
complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, “Good day,
Madam. How may we help you today?”

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been
there at the time of her little “accident,” she asks, “Sir, what is the
price of this lovely bracelet?”

He answers, “Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you’re going to
shit when I tell you the price.”

Just when you have lost faith in human kindness, someone who teaches at Kean
Elementary in Wooster, Ohio forwarded the following letter.

The letter was sent to the Principal’s office after the school had sponsored
a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as
a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all
humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today.

Dear Kean Elementary:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at
your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old
and live at the Sprenger Home for the Aged. All of my family
has passed away. I am all alone now and it’s nice to
know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for
your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95
and has always had her own radio, but before I received one,
she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was
napping. The other day her radio fell off the nightstand
and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in
tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to
kiss my ass.

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,
Edna

Nurses aren’t supposed to laugh

“Of course I won’t laugh, I’m a professional nurse. In over twenty years I’ve never laughed at a patient.”

“Okay then,” Fred said and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest man thingy the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn’t have been bigger than a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then almost fell to the floor laughing. A few minutes later she was able to regain her composure. “I’m so sorry,” said the nurse. “I don’t know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won’t happen again. Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?”
“It’s swollen,” Fred replied.

Things went downhill from there.

Sad Day

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone else that may be having a crumby day and kneads a lift.

Don’t mess With Old People

Which class will you sign up for…LOL

Winter Classes for Men at
THE
ADULT LEARNING CENTRE

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
by Tuesday, 10th March 2009
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays–Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM & nbsp;

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll–Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?–Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor–Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Dinner Dishes–Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss Of Identity–Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things–Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum
Monday at 8:00 PM , 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch–Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health..
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost–Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday’s noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live–Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM , location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy–Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You’re Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours..

Class 14
The Stove/Oven–What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM , location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

Invite all the guys that you think can stand the heat, and to all the ladies for the best chuckle of their day!

Computer trouble!
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.
Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, ‘So, what was wrong?
He replied, ‘It was an ID ten T error.’
I didn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, ‘An, ID
ten T error? What’s that? In case I need to fix it again.’
Richard grinned. ‘Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error
before?”
No,’ I replied.’Write it down,’ he said, ‘and I think you’ll figure it
out.’ So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
I used to like the little guy.

LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the
airplane when the stranger turned to her and said,
‘Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you
strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.’
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed
it slowly and said to the stranger, ‘What would you
like to talk about?’
‘Oh, I don’t know,’ said the stranger. ‘How about
nuclear power?’ and he smiles.
OK, ‘ she said. ‘That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow,
and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass – . Yet a
deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a
flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried
grass. Why do you suppose that is?’
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl’s
intelligence, thinks about it and says, ‘Hmmm, I have
no idea..’
To which the little girl replies, ‘Do you really feel
qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know
shit?

OLD people have problems that you haven’t even considered yet!

I was requested by my doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave me a jar and said, ‘Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow. ‘
The next day I went back to the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and I explained, ‘Well, doc, it’s like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my girl friend for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. ‘We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing.’
The doctor was shocked! ‘You asked your neighbor?’ I replied, ‘Yep, none of us could get the jar open.

The Dead Horse

Young Chuck in Montana bought a horse from a farmer for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news… The horse died.”
Chuck replied, “Well, then just give me my money back.”
The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”
Chuck said, “Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.”
The farmer asked, “What ya gonna do with him?”
Chuck said, “I’m going to raffle him off.”
The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse!”
Chuck said, “Sure I can, Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.”
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, “What happened with that dead horse?”
Chuck said, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998.”
The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?”
Chuck said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.”
Chuck grew up and now works for the government. He was the one who figured out how to “bail out the economy”.

Why  Men Don’t Write Advice  Columns

Dear  Dave,

I hope you can help me here. The other day,  I set off for work leaving my husband in the house  watching the TV as usual. I hadn’t driven more than a  mile down the road when the engine conked out and the  car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my  husband’s help. When I got home I couldn’t believe my  eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour’s  daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbour’s  daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years.

When  I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they  had been having  an affair for the past six months. I told him to  stop or I would leave him..  He was let go from his  job six months ago and he says he has been feeling  increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very  much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has  become increasingly distant. He won’t go to counselling  and I’m afraid I can’t get through to him anymore.

Can  you please help?

Sincerely,    Sheila

Dear  Sheila:

A  car stalling after being driven a short distance can be  caused by a variety of faults with the engine.   Start by checking that there is no debris in the  fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and  hoses on the intake manifold  and also check all grounding wires.  If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could  be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low  delivery pressure to the injectors.

I  hope this helps. Dave.

On the first day, God created the dog and said:
‘Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.’
The dog said: ‘That’s a long time to be barking.. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?’ So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
‘Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span..’
The monkey said: ‘Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?’
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said
You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty
years.’
The cow said: ‘That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?’
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said:
‘Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.’
But man said: ‘Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?’
‘Okay,’ said God, ‘You asked for it.’
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I’m doing it as a public service.

DAD AT THE MALL

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92).We decided to grab a bite at the food court.   I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him  The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange,  and blue.  My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, ‘What’s the matter  old man, never done anything wild in your life?’ Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his  response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not  bat an eye in his response-  ’Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you  were my son.’

Three women friends were having lunch; one is engaged, one is a mistress,And one has been married for 20+ years. They were chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their
Men by wearing a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes. They agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here’s how it all went.
*The engaged friend*:
The other night my boyfriend came over and found me with a black leather Bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, “You are the woman of My dreams. I love you.” Then we made love all night long.
*The mistress*:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the Leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the Raincoat he didn’t say a word, but we had wild sex all night.
*The married friend*::
When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, “What’s for dinner, Batman?”

Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you’re going to smile when you think of this:
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.
‘Do you know how they make these gloves?’ he asked.
‘No, I don’t,’ she replied.
‘Well,’ he spoofed, ‘there’s a building in Canada with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.’
She didn’t crack a smile.
‘Oh, well. I tried,’ he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.
‘What’s so funny?’ he asked.
‘I was just envisioning how condoms are made!’
(Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!)

A Jewish woman says to her mother, ‘I’m divorcing Jeff!
All he wants is anal sex, and my asshole is now the size of a 50 cent piece when it used to be about the size of a nickel.’
Her mother says, ‘You’re married to a multi- millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $2,000a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away over 45 cents?’

LOOKING FOR WORK
An Israeli doctor says, ‘Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.’
A German doctor says, ‘That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.’
A Russian doctor says, ‘In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.’
The Texas doctor says, ‘You guys are way behind. We recently took a man with no brains out of Texas , put him in the White House for eight years, and now half the country is looking for work.’

Old geezer sex
TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN.
AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL. THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, ‘GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK,
I’M NOT WASTIN’ TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON’T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.’

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.

AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, ‘YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!’

‘DEAD?’ SAYS HIS FRIEND, ‘WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?’
‘WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.’

HIS FRIEND SAYS, ‘COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.’
‘A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?’
‘WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE. THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW… TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER!’

Home Depot Scam!
A “heads up” for you and any of you who may shop at Home Depot.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don’t be naive enough to think it couldn’t happen to you. Here’s how the scam works:
Two handsome 18 or 19-year-old guys come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, then take off their t-shirts to dry the windshield.
It is impossible not to look at their lean muscular chest and ripped abs. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say “No” and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot.
You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen May 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, three times just yesterday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
Again – please beware!!
Concerned Home Depot Shopper
(P.S. Wallets are on sale at Marshall ’s for $3.95)

My husband , being unhappy with my mood swings,bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.
We’ve discovered when I’m in a good mood, it turns green.
When I’m in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he’ll learn to buy me a diamond.

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English. He takes the chief for a walk in the forest.
He points to a tree and Says to the chief, ‘This is a tree.’
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, ‘Tree.’ The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, ‘This is a rock.’ Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, ‘Rock.’ The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of Natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, ‘Man riding a bike.’
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, ‘My bike.’

THE TAXMAN COMETH

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit
the books of a Synagogue.
While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, ‘I
notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?’ ‘Good question,’ noted the Rabbi. ‘We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.’
‘Oh,’ replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: ‘What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?’
‘Ah, yes,’ replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying
to trap him with an unanswerable question. ‘We collect them and
send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread-wafers.’
‘I see,’ replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster
the know-it-all Rabbi. ‘Well, Rabbi,’ he went on, ‘what do you
do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?’
‘Here, too, we do not waste,’ answered the Rabbi……………
‘What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax
Office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick.

1st Day at Kindergarten

It was the first day of school for the kindergartenclass; as the teacher walked in the classroom, she noticed somethingwas written on the chalkboard:
‘T T T 1 A’
She looked at the children and said, “Who wrote this?”
Little Keith raises his hand and says, “I did, teacher.”
“Well, what does that mean, Keith?” asked the teacher.
Keith answers, “It means, ‘To The Teacher 1 Apple’,”
and with that, he gave the teacher an apple.
“Very good,” says the teacher, “Thank you.”
the next morning, the teacher walks in the classroom,
and notices, once again, something written on the board.
This time, the chalkboard reads:’T T T 1 O’
She asked the children, “Who wrote this?”
Then little Bobby answers, “I did, teacher.”
The teacher says, “Well, Bobby, what does that mean?”
Bobby says, “It means, ‘To The Teacher 1 Orange’,” and he gives
the teacher an orange.
“Very nice, Bobby, thank you”, said the teacher.
The next morning, she walks in the classroom, and she noticed on the chalkboard’F U C K 1 T’
Disappointed, the teacher exclaimed, “WHO WROTE THIS!!”
Then little Pepito raises his hand and says, “I did, teacher.”
Angrily, the teacher asks, “Well, what does this mean, Pepito?”
“It means, ‘From Us Chicano Kids, 1 Tamale.’”

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but
nothing happened ….
Then
He decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.
When
The postal authorities received the letter to God, USA ,
They decided to send it to the President.
The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $ 5.00 bill.
The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money
To a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you Note to God, which read:
Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for Some reason you sent it through
Washington D.C. And those assholes
Deducted $95.00 in taxes.

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling.
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.” Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble
“Oh no, my dear,” replied granny. “Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.”
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, “He’d still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn’t come along.